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'EH E« TO 




kay. its poster month here at i 
favourite smegazlne, so get that 
space ready now! fill you haue to d 
remDue the free poster from the centre 
of this issue, taking care not to damage 
the delicate staples, then unfold tt and 
iron out the creases. Finally, superglue 
your poster to the wallpaper and gaze at 
it in owe. Now take a look at just tin. 

f the amazing things me'ue wroppe 

round the poster... 


Duane Dibbley comes back to reality in t 
terrifying tate of Cat turned geek,., again 


Not only do we review the American plloi 
of Red Dwarf this issue, but we also brini 
you Grant and Naylor"s experiences whil( 
it was being made. 


The original Holly, interviewed at last! 

And there's so much more we haven't ; 
room to tell you about here, so yo 
haue to read the thing, won't you 

Editor: Mike Butcher 
Design: Elitta Fell 
Cover artwork: Nigel Kitching 
Cover design: Steve Curley 

Writers: Steve Lyons, Chris 
Howarth, Jane Killick, Nigel 
Kitching. Pa! Kelleher and 
James Hill 

Artists: Nigel Kitching, Ron 
Smith. Glenn Rix and Kev F 

Photographers: Mike Vaughan. 
Elitta Fell. Jane Krllick and Chic 
Done h in 

Production Mark Collings 

Typesetting ABC 

Repro: Pre Press Services 

Thanks to: Rob Grant, Doug 
Naylor, Norman Lovett. Craig 
Charles. Chris Barrie. Danny 
John-Jules. Robert Llewellyn, 
Hatte Hayndge, Kate Cotton, 
Colin Howard and They Might 
Be Giants 

Subscriptions: UK ■ £18 per 
yea/ (p+p FREE). Cheques 
payable to FLEETWAY 
the address below and mark 
your envelope RED DWARF 
rates on request 

Back issues: There are only a 
tew available (definitely no 
copies of issues 1 and 2) - 
contact the SUBSCRIPTIONS 
DEPT tor details. 

Comments please to: 
Fleetway Editions Limited 
25-31 Tavistock Place 
London WC1H9SU 

© Rob Grant and Doug Naylor 
1992. All rights reserved ISSN 
0965-5603. Published by 
Fleetway Editions Limited. An 
Egrnont Company. 25-31 
Tavistock Place, London 
WC1H 9SU Pnnted in England. 


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"It's so unusual for English writers to be asked to run a show in America and we were very keen 
to make it possible... (But) The implication over there is not 'let's make good television', it's 'let's 
get rich'. And they all gave each other high fives after the reading and said 'let's get rich, we're 
all gonna get rich, this is going to be a truly rich-making programme'. And Doug and I were looking 
at each other and thinking, 'er... it's s**t!'" 
— Rob Grant on the American Pilot of Red Dwarf. 


by Jane Killick 

The $1V2 million pilot show 
designed to sell RED DWARF 
to American television follows 
the basic plot of the first British 
episode THE END (as we told 
you in SMEGAZINE NO.2). 

Lister has smuggled a cat 
he calls Frankenstein aboard 
the mining ship RED DWARF 
against regulations. The cat is 
detected by the ship's sensors 
and Lister appeals to Kryten to 
hide his pregnant pet for him. 
Needless to say, Lister's plan Is 
discovered, but he refuses to tell 
the Captain where Frankenstein 
is hidden. Kryten is ordered to 
reveal where the cat is, but he 
resists questioning and short- 
circuits himself in the process. 
Kryten is sent away for repairs 
while Lister is sent into stasis for 
six months. 

Three million years later, 
Lister is woken up by the ship's 
computer, Holly. The rest of the 
crew are dead from a radiation 
accident, but Lister isn't alone 
for long. Second technician 
Rimmer is resurrected as a 
hologram; Kryten is picked up 
from the repair workshop; and 
they find a creature in the hold 
who evolved from Frankenstein 
the Cat. 

A vision of Lister, Cat, 

Kryten and Christine Kochanski 

lote the Ch — the Americans 

ouldn't cope with a K) 

iaterialise from the future with 

a very important message. As 
their energy level is drained, the 
Lister from the future tells his 
past self, "you gotta...", before 
they vanish from lack of power. 
Lister believes his future self 
was trying to tell him he must 
find a way back to Earth. He ac- 
cidentally leans on the control 
panel and RED DWARF zooms 
off into the distance. 

After the end credits, Hol- 
ly explains what amazing 
adventures they are going to 
have, over clips of some of the 
more spectacular bits from 
British RED DWARF — the im- 
plication being you can only find 
out more if the Network cough 
up the money to make a series. 

The pilot programme didn't 
impress British fans when it 
was shown at the DIMENSION 
JUMP Convention, and it didn't 
impress the Network who got 
cold feet over the project. 

The opening titles lay 
down the foundations for the 
rest of the episode — Todd 
Rungren's uninspiring music 
plays over the familiar scenes of 
Lister painting the outside of the 
ship (the Americans struck a 
deal with the Beeb to use UK 
model shots to save cost). It's as 
if the titles are a prophecy. The 
mix of British and American 
never really gels throughout the 
episode. The sets, which are vir- 
tually identical to the British ver- 



sion, are full of people deliver- 
ing familar English dialogue in 
an American accent. 

The American Lister is 
played by a bearded Craig 
Bierko who is a typical 
American hero. He comes 
across well because he brings 
something new to the part; he 
acts well and his command of 
comic delivery is one of the best 
things about the show. He's not 
the unkempt lager-swilling 
Lister we're used to; in fact, 
Christine Kbchanski is Lister's 
girlfriend as the story opens. 

Rimmer is played by Chris 
Eigeman, although you 
wouldn't know he was suppos- 
ed to be one of the main 
characters of the show from the 
pilot. Apart from a couple of 
brief conversations with Lister 
about taking the astro- 
navigation exam, he doesn't 
really appear until he comes 
back as a hologram. The 

natural reaction when Rimmer 
is resurrected is 'SO WHAT?', 
and if I hadn't seen RED 
DWARF before it probably 
would have been, 'WHICH 

What saved the show from 
a total disaster for many people 
was Robert Llewellyn as Kryten. 
He gets some of the funniest 
moments — like when he ex- 
plains he's spent three million 
years in the repair workshop 
reading the 'Fire Exit' sign! This 
is partly because Robert's been 
able to develop Kryten's 
character in England, but also 
his is the only character that 
comes anywhere near being 
defined in the script. He's the 
friendly android who saves the 

What's missing from the 
American pilot that made RED 
DWARF's first British episode 
successful as comedy-drama is 
the characterisation. Imagine 
sit-coms like STEPTOE AND 
SON where Steptoe wasn't "a 
dirty old man" or ONLY FOOLS 
AND HORSES where Del didn't 
pretend he was a rich 
businessman rather than a 
dodgy street trader. That's what 
the American RED DWARF was 
like, they weren't characters, 
they were just bodies saying 
lines. In the opening scene of 
THE END, Lister and Rimmer's 
argument about cleaning out 
the chicken soup nozzle of the 
dispensing machine shows 
what a slob Lister is and what 
a stickler for rules Rimmer is. All 
this is swept under the carpet 
in the American version, so the 
audience never comes to 
realise the comic possibilities of 
forcing together two characters 
— Lister and Rimmer — who 
don't get on together. 

The way the American pilot 
rushes through the story makes 
it a bit of a mess. Everything 
was crammed in to the 
American TV half hour (which 
is about twenty-two minutes 

because of adverts). What with 
less time to tell the story, plus 
the extra plot lines {Kryten and 
their future selves) — it's hard- 
ly surprising that the audience 
was asking, 'what's a 
hologram?' just as they were 
wondering, 'what's a stasis 

The Cat (Hinton Battle) 
made about as much impres- 
sion as a raindrop in a river. 
After being found in the hold it 
was barely minutes before he 
was an accepted part of the 
crew. He wasn't a patch on Dan- 
ny John-Jules. 

Holly fans will be interested 
to know everyone's favourite 
computer was played by Jane 
Leeves, who's apparently an 
English former newsreader. Her 
delivery was more along the 
scatty lines of Hattie Hayridge 
than the dead-pan tones of Nor- 
man Lovett. She worked well 
(even though her accent kept 
drifting back and forth across 
the Atlantic) and she could have 
developed a distinctive Holly if 
given the chance. 

Despite its faults, there's no 
denying the programme's fun- 
ny, in fact funnier than the first 
British episode. There were a 
few American jokes thrown in 
for good measure — "Three 
million years! Wow, my baseball 
cards must be worth a fortune!", 
although most of the lines were 
just lifted from the British 
scripts. It worked as a comedy, 
but it never really made it as 

By all counts, the Ameri- 
can network were also suitably 
unimpressed with the pilot and 
called in Rob Grant and Doug 
Naylor to salvage what they 
could. Given four days to 
prepare and film everything, 
and a studio Rob described as 
a "garage", they made a promo. 

This film lasts about fifteen 
minutes and begins with ex- 
cerpts from RED DWARF V as 
Once there was 



n i 



RED DWARF UK," the screen 
exclaims, "And now — RED 
DWARF USA!". It opens with 
Craig Bierko's Lister recording 
a message to send back to 
Earth. Instantly, it's visually 
more exciting. The camera is 
tight on Lister's face and light 
(ailing through a wire mesh 
casts a honeycomb shadow on 
the actors. 

Rimmer has been re-cast 
as actor Anthony Fuscle and so 
has the Cat — as a WOMAN! 
But even the promo is a hotch- 
potch of various unrelated clips, 
precariously hung together by 
Lister's message as some sort 
of narration. The clips 
themselves are taken from the 
pilot, British RED DWARF 
(mostly featuring Kryten) and 
new film. 


The female Cat, played by 
American comedienne, Terri 
Farrell, is a fearless beast who 
has nine lives so doesn't mind 
dying several times! She walks 
around in a slinky cat-suit and 
is obviously there for her sex ap- 
peal (nothing better to increase 
the ratings). This angered many 
RED DWARF fans because the 
show has always been about 
the last human alive trapped in 
a masculine world. A female 
Cat would have obviously 
changed the chemistry of the 
show if it had gone ahead. 

The promo is not an enter- 
taining programme to sit down 
and watch. It's really a 
showcase which, not surpris- 
ingly, doesn't follow any par- 
ticular story. And some of the 
clips such as a sequence re- 

recorded with American actors 
from the UK episode, MAR- 
OONED, are a bit flat. 

All in all, it's a shame an 
American version of RED 
DvWRF didn't take off. With the 
resources of imagination, talent 
and money that can be found 
in the States, a whole series of 
wonderful programmes could 
have been made. Unfortunate- 
ly, if the people involved in the 
American pilot were born with 
any imagination or talent, they 
evidently left it on the bus on the 
way to the studios. It's sad the 
project never fulfilled its pro- 
mise, but at least we can still 
treasure the RED DWARF we 
know and not be embarrassed 
by a poorly produced, if funny, 
American version of "Some 
Guys Have Fun in Space." .% 


The most wekome news ihfs month is thai there's 
definitely going lo be another series of Red Dwarf. 
Grant Naylor have been given the official green light 
by the BBC. Work has started on making sure 
everyone's available for rehearsal and filming 
(which, ii oppears all the cast will be). Recording 
should be taking place around February time. 


The combined version of the Red Dwarf books, due 
oul on 19th November will also include several 
other goodies not published before. Read the 
amazing script from Son of Cliche which sparked the 
original idea for Red Swarf! See the original beer 
mat on which the idea was first scribbled! Peruse 
the pilot script which led to the series! And marvel 
at Rob Grant and Doug Naylor's afterwerd in which 
they talk about everything you've read, seen and 

As we told you last month, the writers ore taking the 
opportunity to make some minor changes to the 
text. But don't panic! It seems the two individual 
novels will still be available in their original form. 
And if you buy both, think haw much fun you can 
have working out where the changes are! 


As well as being involved in Red Dwarf, its writers 
are working on a new comedy science fiction series 
for ITV. Trie original idea behind The Oo-ee-oO 
Dimension was a comedy version of The Twilight 
lone. But Rob Grant ana Doug Naylor say it's now 
drifted a little away from that concept. The series is 
currently "in development" with Carlton Television 
who take over Thames TV's week-day licence lo 
broadcast to London in 1993. 


Feelers are being extended from the Grant/Naylor 
offices for someone to produce a Red Dwarf graphic 
novel (that's a posh term for a comic strip in book 
lorm). We'll keep you posted on any further devel- 

The first Red Dwarf novel as recorded by Chris 
Sarrie is available by mail order now (see below 
for a special readers' offer). The total and 
unabridged version, brought to life by Ihe after 
ego af the great Arnold J. Rimmer himself, fills 
no less than six cassettes. 
The double- cassette abridged version lo be sold 
in Ihe shops should be ready far Christmas. 
Laughing Stock Productions, who produced the 
talking Book, will be charting with writers Rob 
Grant and Doug Naylor to make sure they 
approve of the edits before it's released. 
So if you're writing o note lo Santa Claus this 
year, make sure you let him know which version 
you want! 

The unabridged talking book of the Red Dwarf 
bestseller - Infinity Welcomes Careful Drivers by 
Grant Naylor ond read by Chris Barrie - is now 
available ay mail order at the special Red Dwarf 
Smegazine readers' offer price of £19.99, 
including P & P. Just send a cheque or postal 
order (not cosh!) lo; LAUGHING STOCK PRODUC- 
TIONS, PO Box 408. London SW1I 6JJ. (Allow 
21 days for delivery.) 


Craig has been in discussions with some 
American producers about appearing in a sit- 
com Stoles-side. "I don't think it's going to hap- 
pen," Craig told Ihe Smegazine. "I just don't 
trust the Americans enough. I'm glad that il 
looks like I'm going to be pulling out rather than 
them pulling out on me. That's doing my confi- 
dence no end af good because they all seem to 
want me. Now I'm just thinking not." 


Look out for a rather scary programme on 
Hallowe'en night starring Craig Charles, Michael 
Parkinson Saroh Greene and Mike Smith. "It's 
going lo be really good," enthuses Craig. "Il's 
aboul ghosts and we're doing a programme 
called Ghost Watch, but I really can't say any 
more because I'm sworn to secrecy." Il's an 
BBC1 Saturday October 31st - probably at 


Craig will also be delving into that great obses- 
sion of the British - ihe weather! He'll be look- 
ing at some of the more dramatic aspects of the 
climate in Weather Watch which promises great 
special effects and costumes. Craia's going ail 
over England, location filming for me six-week 
series. Apparently he has many weather connec- 
tions including losing his beloved (uninsured) 
1944 US jeep in the 1987 storm when it was 
squashed under a four hundred year old tree! 
The series of ten minute episodes begins on 
Sunday 1st November, BBC1 al 6.1 5pm. 

Craig Charles will be hosting the first virtual 
reality game show. Cybenone will be a million 
miles awoy from Going for Gold! ond more like 
a cross between The Crpial Maze and Red 
Dwarf (whatever thai means). BBC sources sug- 
gest it'll be an BBC 2 sometime nexl yeor. 


It doesn'l matter where you go, il seems you 
can't escape Craig Charles. Radio 4 listeners will 
welcome his return on Loose Ends, producing 
off-the-wall reports on off-the-wall subjects. 
Though don't expect to hear him every week 
(Saturday mornings 10am), as he shares the 
guest slot with several other celebs. And if you 
live in London you may gel Ihe chance to wake 
up with Croig Charles five days a week! It looks 
like Craig could be presenting the morning show 
on Kiss FM from October. Turn your dial to 


Chris "Rimmer" Barrie returns to ihe mast chaot- 
ic leisure centre in the country to make a new 
series starling the incredulous Mr Britlas. He 
should be working on this until the end of the 
year and il isn't expected to reach our TV 
screens until January at the earliest. Anyone 
who wants lo see Mr Britlas in the flesh (oah 
er!) might like to try contacting the BBC ticket 
unit about being one of the studio audience. 


A Christmas special of Maid Marion ond Her 
Merry Men featuring Danny John- Jules os 
Barringlon will form pari of Children's BBC's 
December schedule. A transmission date is yet 
to be fixed, but it's expected to be shown in the 
week before Christmas. 

Meonwhile, the new series chronicling the 
whacky tales of the fashion-conscious Robin 
Hood is already in the can, and should be on 
your screens next year. What's more Danny 
John- Jules is already in discussion with ihe Been 
about making yet another series with Maid 
Marian and the gang! 


Craig Charles and Robert Llewellyn are booked 
to appear at a Science Fiction Convention at the 
end of November But the sod news for us Brits 
is that it's in Chicago! 


A convention for British Red Dwarf fans is 
planned for Sth-7th March 1 993 in Leicester. As 
the name suggests, it's a joint Red Dwarf/Stor 
Trek convention. Peopie expected lo attend are 
a number of behind -trie-scenes Slat Trek people 
and Editor of the Smegazine, Mike Butcher (a 
guest worth the entrance fee on his own (a- 
hem!)). Il costs £25 to attend, but we suggest 
you write off to them enclosing an S.A t. for 
details before sending off any quids. 
You can contort them by writing to: 
TREK/DWARF, 47 Marsham, Orion Goldhoy, 
Peterborough. Cambridgeshire PE2 5RN 

Banhams are pleased with Ihe way Red Dwarf 
costumes and props sold al iheir recent auction. 
The twenty-eight lots raised a tola) of £4450. 


Jane Killick 




Dictated to, and transcribed by, Holly — 

yeah, bloody Muggins here, doing 

absolutely everything as usual! 

(wiUi a little help from Steve Lyons) 


Tape on. 

Holly, it's me — Duke, t know I swore 
never to subject my enlightening 
memoirs to the deranged processes 
of your Inadequate mind ever again, 
but something very important occur- 
red today, and since your black box 
recording will no doubt be more con- 
cerned with what we had for supper 
tonight, I felt it was my duty to record 
this momentous event for posterity. 
Hotly, we've finally found them. The 
aliens are here! What do you think 
about that, eh? 

What? Holly, never mind the 
nickname — what about the aliens? 
Look, 'Duke' was always my nickname 
in the Space Scouts — I fail to see 
why I should stop using it now just 
because, for some incomprehensible 
reason, you find it mildly amusing. 
Since always, Holly. Now just shut up, 
will you, and let me tell you about the 

No Hoiiy. I know you havent detected 
anything — but then, you didn't detect 
anything when 'Starbug' went 
screaming down that time hole last 
week, did you? Not a word as we had 
to switch to manual and I took com- 
mand and guided that ship and its 
ragamuffin crew through the most 
devastating space battle which ever 
raged through the cosmos, back to 
safety through a freak wormhole, the 
slightest deviation in course threaten- 
ing an instant and gruesome death for 
all of us. And what was your total con- 
tribution to the situation? What was 
the first thing you said, once we'd 

braved the dangers alone and return- 
ed to our own reality? "Watch 
yourselves lads, I think that last turn 
shook the toilet seat loose!" Honest- 
ly, you're about as useful as a Pot 
Noodle in a famine! 
Holly, we were being shot at, and 
when — thanks to my blinding turn of 
speed on the controls — we avoided 
the missile, it continued straight on in- 
to the upper atmosphere. Now if that's 
not a raging space battle, I'm the 
Queen of Spain. 

Yes, okay, so Lister actually operated 
the controls — but it was old Amie giv- 
ing the orders, calling the shots, map- 
ping the... 

Look, you air-headed bimbo, that's not 
the point. And anyway, that isn't the 
subject under discussion at the mo- 
ment. I'm here to talk about the aliens, 

Right. Well as it happens, a few of my 
possessions went missing today. My 
Long Service medals, for a start, and 
I can't say I'm too happy about that! 
My fountain pen vanished as well — 
and I don't just mean any old fountain 
pen, I mean the lucky one, the 
'Guaranteed Pass' pen that I used to 
take into my exams with me. 
Yes, yes, okay, so I failed a few little 
exams! Doesn't everyone? I was just 
getting into my stride. One more 
chance, one last attempt, and it 
was an officer's pips for me — but 
no, I had to get hit in the face with a 
blast of radiation instead, didnt I? So 
don't tell me about my lucky pen Hol- 
ly, because it was never even given a 

Look Holly, just shut up, okay? I'm talk- 
ing about what happened to my 
medals and to my pen today. And it's 
pretty obvious what's behind it all, isn't 

No, not my own incompetence, you 
goit. Aliens! 

Yes, aliens! I thought that'd shake you. 
More tomorrow, Holly, when I've in- 
vestigated this matter further. Tape off. 



Tape on. 

More information on the alien 
presence. There's definitely 
something going on here, Holly. I 
checked the toilet roll situation today 

— aliens always seem to go for that 

— and you know what? We've gone 
through six whole rolls in the last 

week! Now if that's not alien interven- 
tion, I don't know what is. 
Of course I know what I'm talking 
about! This has happened before, you 

So? What if I did cook dinner on 

Holly, I hardly think my beautiful kip- 
per stew and sugar dumplings can in 
any way be blamed for what is clearly 
the work of an intelligent alien race, 
now do you? 

Look Holly, it's a closed subject. I'm 
dictating vital evidence on extra- 
terrestrial activities here, for future 
generations to study, so just let me get 
on with it. 

Now as I was saying, I found two 
more inexplicable occurrences as 
well. Firstly. I paid our old quarters a 
visit, only to find that the sheets had 
been stripped from the beds. And 
secondly, I noticed the Dream 
Recorder was missing. Holly, I want 
you to get right on to this. There must 
be some weird sort of cryptographic 
significance to the combination of 
these five phenomena, and I want you 
to use all your powers of deduction — 
God help us! — to find it. lb give you 
a start, I suspect we're looking for a 
message along the lines of "Hello, we 
are the Quagaars, and we have come 
to provide you all with perfect new 
bodies and take you off to our 
paradise home." Something like that. 
Of course, I will continue — for the 
sake of all who may hear this recor- 
ding m the future — to update my per- 
sonal log on a daily basis, for at least 
as long as the alien visitation 
Tape off, Holly. Until tomorrow. 


Tape on. 

Okay Holly, this is important. I... 
Eh? Since when? Holly, I missed a few 
measly days — I was busy, for smeg's 
sake! Now look... 

The aliens? What...? Oh, those 
aliens! Holly, as you know full well, 
aliens don't reveal their presence just 
like that. They don't jump out at you 
from the shadows and shout. "Here 
we are, have a new body, everybody!" 
If that was how they operated, they 
wouldn't be — well, alien, would they? 
But they were here, Holly. Okay, so 
they decided not to make contact on 
this occasion, but mark my words, 
they'll be back. In fact, they made a 
fleeting visit last week, just to return 
the Dream Recorder, and if they're 
listening, I really would like to get my 
medals back please, if you've finish- 
ed with them, thank you. Anyway Hol- 
ly, in the meantime, I happen to have 
a problem, if you'll just shut up and 
let me get on with talking about it. 


Thank you. Now look, I could be In big 
trouble here. You know that stupid an- 
droid traffic cop that blasted his way 
on board today? Well, he said we'd 
parked in orbit around a planet with 
double yellow rings. I mean, it was 
ridiculous — but who do you suppose 
got the blame? Oh yes. always the 
way, isn't it? If I want Kryten to iron my 
underpants, all I get is, "I'm terribly 
sorry, sir, but I have some paint I have 
to watch drying tonight!" If I give the 
command to launch a probe, I'm in- 
variably told which orifice to insert that 
probe Into. But when some over- 
zealous android wants someone to 
slap a traffic violation ticket on, all of 
a sudden it's "Second Technician A 
J Rimmer gives all the orders around 
here, sir — it's him you want to speak 
to!" And of course, just my luck, the 
charge for double parking has been 
increased. It used to be a forty dollar- 
pound fine — now, for some incom- 
prehensible reason, it's been altered 
to 'instant death by laser obliteration". 
Admittedly, I think the android might 
have been a little less harsh had the 
Cat not pissed in his helmet, but even 
so, it seems a bit steep to me. A side 
note please. Holly, I must remember 
to dig out my old copy of the 
Spaceway Code and check ft out. 
Anyway, as you know, I'm not one to 
flout authority. I was ready to take 
whatever punishment this mechanoid 
moron deemed appropriate — but as 
I was turning the corner, I happened 
to glance over my shoulder, and I was 
appalled to see what was going on 
behind me! Lister had only gone and 
jabbed a pen through the thing's 
eyehole, short-circuiting its brain. 
That's murder of a police officer, Hol- 
ly, even if the officer in question Is a 
deranged, homicidal android that 
somehow escaped being switched off 
three million years ago. 
Why am I worried? Isn't it obvious? 
That cowardly goit used my pen! Yes, 


one, the fountain pen, and what 
he was doing with It, I don't know! And 
it's my name on the ticket, ot course 
— so when an entire squad of kill- 
crazed Simulants comes to in- 
vestigate, it's me that'll get the blame, 
isn't it? That's why I wanted the whole 
truth recorded here now, so that in the 
event of my capture and the subse- 
quent inspection of this ship's records, 
ft will be made absolutely clear to all 
concerned that the culprit was not me, 
Second Technician Arnold Rimmer, 
but David Lister, Third Technician, 
RD52169. Thai's Lister. L-l-S-T- 
Right, right, that's all then. I'll be back 
tomorrow, Holly, with more of my 
thoughts and reflections as usual. 
Maybe things will have calmed down 
a bit by then. 
Tape off. 

Tape on. 

Holly, I am absolutely furious! 
Why? You know very well why! I made 
a surprise inspection of the Skutters' 
work today, and do you know what I 
found? Three of the idle go its, just sat 
in the cinema, watching a vid. 
Yes, I know that's nothing unusual 
Holly, but it is something I intend to 
stamp down on, hard. No, what I 
objected to today was the content of 
the film. The Most Pathetic Dreams 
of Arnold Rimmer, volume 1'. Yes. yes, 
someone had borrowed the Dream 
Recorder and run off a tape of my 
most intimate fantasies! It was all there 
— Yvonne McGruder, Carol 
McCauiey. Sandra... well look, it 
doesn't matter what was on it. What 
I was interested in was who'd recorded 
it! So I confronted the Cat, at least 
expecting he'd have the decency to 
deny it — and he just stood there, in 
that stupid new shirt he cut from our 
old bedclothes, and said he'd done it 
for a laugh! Well, he won't be 
laughing soon, I can tell you. I loaded 
sixty ot his favourite suits into a gar- 
bage pod and shot them out towards 
that ocean planet we passed the other 
day. That'll teach him a lesson. It still 
leaves Lister to deal with, though — 
I'm thinking of doing the same with his 
curry spices — it might do the air 
conditioning a favour as well! 

Yes, Lister, he was in on it too — and 
no apologies from him, either. He just 
wanted to know how I got into that 
position with Fiona Barrington in the 
back of the Jaguar. He was practising 
it on the bed all day — strained both 
thigh muscles in the attempt, which 
serves the gimboid right. And then, 
Holly, the final humiliation — I got 
back to my bunk this evening, only to 
find a peephole bra laying on the 
pillow, obviously intended as some 
sort of feeble joke at my expense! 

Anyway, there was one bit of good 
news today. My medals have finally 
turned up. Apparently, the Cat 'bor- 
rowed' them as a fashion accessory 

— the stupid animal accidentally 
admitted it at tea tonight. Of course, 
I sent him off to get them right away 

— apparently, they're in the pocket of 
one of his suits. 

His suit pocket... 


(Tape ends, inexplicably.) 

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Before the fateful head sex change operation Red Dwarf's erratic 
computer, Hoily, had a very different face — that of actor and 
comedian, Norman Lovett, whose TV credits cover the broad 
spectrum of comedy from 'The Young Ones' to 'Keeping up 
Appearances'. Earlier this year we visited Norman In his adopted 
home town of Edinburgh, where he not only kept us entertained for 
several hours, but insisted on paying the Cafe bill — living In 
Scotland obviously hasn 't affected him too drastically yet. 


what everyone's dying to know is why 
you left Red Dwarf'. 

NORMAN LOVETT: They should 
have me back in it. No they shouldn't 
really, I'd want to take over. One of the 
reasons I left is because I moved to 
Edinburgh; I met my wife and I didn't 
want to be away a long time, I didn't 
want to leave. It was all through Paul 
Jackson really, he thought I was get- 
ting too big for my boots, wanting lots 
of money and stuff, but I wasn't at all. 
It was the OB — you know when you 
make a series you're in the studio for 
six weeks and you also go on location 
— it was silly, I was sitting in a van with 
a camera pointing at me while I'm on 
this monitor on wheels. They could 
have done those bits in the studio, but 
they wouldn't So anyway, I'd just met 
my wife and I didn't want to be away for 
three months in Manchester, so I said, 
"Cut out the OB for me, I 'II just do the 
rehearsals if you can cut the rehearsal 
days down." They did that, but then 
they halved the fee and I said, "Hang 
on, I'm not working for half the fee, 
because I 'm still going to beon screen 
as much." In the end I said "forget it 
then". That was the reason and the 
producer, Paul Jackson — he's tough, 
head of Carlton now, a big business 

man — thought it was my ego; it 
wasn't, it was nothing to do with that, 
so I said. "Well, that's it." 

I suppose if I'd really wanted to be in 
the programme I would have just done 
it, but I made a decision there not to go 
on. In a way I felt I had done all I could 
do with the character; Holly couldn't 
be a lead character really, he was just 
an image on screen. With 'Oueeg' 
they did a Holly episode and realistic- 
ally I don't think they could have done 

any more. So I felt it was a good time to 
leave as opposed to getting stuck in it. 
I knew I was going to make my series, 
even though it wasn't definite then, 
but fortunately it's all happened now 
and I've had a chance to move on. 
I blow this I've had it, I'll be crawling 
back to Rob and Doug for work. No, I 
mean it's just the way it goes. Sorry, 
I don't half go on, don't I? Ask me a 

ROM: What's the format of the new 

NL: I did a pilot of it about three years 
ago; I'm an inventor — Norman's an 
inventor — he lives in this house with a 
talking dog which is a puppet, a 
talking horse which is actually an oil 
painting of a horse that talks — a very 
aloof horse. There's also a spider in it, 
but she doesn't say very much. My 
neighbours are Darren and Una, 
nouveau riche — he's got a capri. It's 
written by myself and Ian Pattison, 
who wroteRabC. Nesbitt; Idon't know 
whetheryou watch Rab C. Nesbitt, but 
he's a very good writer. I'm quietly 
confident, but at the same time still 
feel that it could be like the first series 
of Red Dwarf' — you know, it was 
good and bad, lots of people didn't like 

it at all. But in the second series they 
really got it together, so I think you 
really learn a lot from your first series, 
but I feel it's going to do alright. 

RDM: Why was there such a lengthy 
gap between the pilot and the actual 

NL: Because Alan Yentob. who's 
head of BBC2, said itwasabit childish 
and needed to be more adult — I 
hadn't got together with Ian then . And 
then Rab C. Nesbitt took off; the 
comedy unit at BBC Scotland is quite 
small, a little family sort of size, and it 
couldn't cope with making mine as 
well. So it was put back and in a way 
that worked out to be a good thing, 
because I found Ian in the meantime 
and he made it more ... I don't know, 
he made it less childish than I had it. 
I'm very good at simple visual humour, 
as I am in my stand-up, and Ian gave it 
more Intellectualism if you like — it 
just turned out to be a very good 
partnership. Rob and Doug work 
together alt the time, but me and Ian 
don't do that, we just have one meet- 
ing a week and talk on the phone a 
couple of times. I write a load of stuff, 
he does the same, then we put it all 
together and Ian will do the final 
structuring of the stories. People think 
it'sso easy towrite comedy, but it's not 
—the half hourshow, the sketch, even 
a one line joke, it's still hard. I'm 
always delighted when I come up with 
a good one line joke for my stand up 
act because it's not easy at all. 

RDM: So you still do the stand-up act 


NL: Yeah, but I don't do it as much 
now. I did it last year at the festival 
here; I wrote 50 minutes of new 
material and it went down well. I'm 
hoping on the back of the success of 
the series — hopefully the success of 
the series— that III be able to do more 
stand-up in the Autumn when it goes 
out. I'll get more people to come and 
see me, I'll be able to play bigger 
places and people will be able to see 
what my stand-up is about. 

HDM: How did you first start out doing 
the comedy? 

NL: I started in my early thirties and 
I'm 45 now, so it's over ten years. I did 
pubs in London with bands; I did gigs 
with 999, do you remember them? 

The Clash, remember the Clash? Ali 
that sort of stuff. Then the Comedy 
Store came along and I went to that — 
that's when Alexei Sayle and Rik 
Mayall and Adrian Edmonson were all 
there. I had a guitar and I did a rock 
orientated act. I suppose I liked John 
Cooper Clarke and Ian Dury. I used to 
do songs and strum along and do a 
John Peel impression, all that sort of 
stuff — pretty awful really, but I 
survived. I had a 12 minute act and it 
got me started. Then one night at the 
I went on again without the guitar and 
started talking. Some of the other 
comedians said, "You should do that, 
it's much better you just being your- 
self ." And that was how I started with 
the hangdog, the slow delivery and all 
that. There are a lot of comedians that 
have been doing that — Arnold 
Brown, Jack Dee, Hattie Hayridge — 
Hattie Hayridge got accused of being 
a female Norman Lovett when she 
started but when I met her she said, 
"I've never even seen your act." I said, 
"It doesn't matter, you can do what 
you like ■" 

Anyway Rob and Doug knew me, 
though Hob knew me better, and I 
came into 'Red Dwarf — you know 
the story about it being a voice over at 
the beginning don't you? 

NL: Well I'd done Ruby Wax'sshow on 
Channel 4 years ago, 'Don't Miss 

RDM: Was that your first TV by the 

NL: I'd done bits of my act on 
television, but 'Don't Miss Wax' was 
the first sort of cult thing. They made 
two series of that and I played a floor 
manager on the show. Then the "Red 
Dwarf' thing came along and that was 
offered me. I went along for one of the 
main parts actually, but I didn't get the 
job, I can't remember which one. 

RDM: Rimmer? 

NL: Yes, it was Chris Barrie's part, 
I couldn't have played the slob. Craig 
did a slob because, you know, he's not 
far away from one; he's like that, 
smoking and all that. He's changed a 
lot now by all accounts, on the phone 
he says he's changed a lot. but I don't 
know, I'll believe it when I see it — he's 
still very young isn't he? 

Anyway, so I didn't get the job, Chris 
got it; I'll tell you who else was up for 
that part — the man who played 

RDM. Alfred Molina? 

N L : Yeah he was up for that part. A lot 
of people, other performers I mean, 
said to me when it started, "How the 
hell did Chris Barrie and Craig 
Charles get the job?" Isuppose other 
performers are like that with each 
other. They said it should have gone to 
other actors, but in a way it was perfect 
that it went to a poet and impres- 
sionist, a comedian and a dancer, but 
it was quite astonishing really. So I 
was offered the part of Holly and I took 
it because I needed the work but I was 
quite upset because it was a voice- 
over— after Ruby Wax I wanted to stay 
seen on television you know. Anyway I 
did it and we got to the third episode, 
but I was complaining every week, I 
said I know how Holly can look visually 
on the screen. So, on the recording of 
the third episode, they went back and 
did my bits again and from then on, it 
was a visual thing. 

RDM: So two episodes were actually 
recorded without you being seen? 

NL: I was standing off set with a 
microphone doing those little lines 
and there weren't many lines — I got 
more lines as it developed. They also 
put that stuff on me, that rubber milk, 
I really hated it. In the second series I 
said no I want to be more human, so I 
got out of having all that stuff put on 

me. But I did still want him to appear 
more human as well, because I 
thought it was funny that he should 
actually be this moaning old git, but 
he was quite cheeky, wasn't he? I 
mean the stuff they wrote for me was 
fantastic, it was good stuff, a bit rude 
and playgroundy at times, a bit sick at 
times as well, but good stuff. 

RDM : How did you find working with 
Hattie Hayridge when she came 

NL: OK, it was OK. The only thing I 
was cross about — this isn't Hattie's 
fault — Rob and Doug promised me 
when I left there'd be a new character 
and they'd change Holly completely. 
I was very upset when they got her in, 
because I wanted it to remain my part 
and them to get a very different type of 
Holly, but they didn't do that. I just felt 
that instead of doing it my way, which I 
felt she was trying to do, she could 
have done it another way and should 
have done it another way, but that's 
not all her fault. 

RDM: But she was more or less 
continuing what she had already 
established in the 'Parallel Universe' 

NL: Yes, I suppose she was. There 
was one episode when she had 
slicked back hair and she was taster 

I 1.11 m.i tnai was 
lava dona it. That's 

and belted it out. I 
how she should have done it. That's 
me, that's my opinion, I could be 
wrong. But I got on alright with her; 
before she did the first episode she 
tried to get hold of copies of all the 
other episodes and I lent them to her 
— I've still got series one and two on 
tape — to help her play the part, 
because she had to play my opposite 
and be like me I don't expect her to 
send me any money for giving her this 
opportunity in television (laughs)l 

RDM: You've obviously kept up with 
the programme. 

NL: Yes, except I missed the last 
series, apart from a couple of them, 
because I was making my own series I 
didn't get the chance to see them. 
What did you think of the last series, 
was it good? 

RDM: They seemed to cut down the 
comedy elements in favour of more 
solid science fiction; it was great stuff, 
but personally we'd prefer it if there 
were more laughs. 

NL: It's great to get the laughs, isn't it? 
I mean a great woofer from the 
audience, that's what it 's all about and 
I think that's what a lot of fans really 

RDM: We heard that there is a 
possibility that the next series might 
not be recorded in front of a studio 

NL: Well Ididn't record mine in front of 
a studio audience, Iota of comedies 
aren't now. You get it all done and 
edited then show it to a studio 
audience three episodes a night and 
collect the laughter. The good thing 
about a studio audience is it makes 
you nervous and you get it right first 
time and you get your timing right. 
If I say a tunny line I'll wait for the laugh 
to come in before I gat on with my next 
one, if you haven't got the audience 
there how much ola gap do you leave 
for the laugh? How cheeky can you 
get? Do you say, "there's a good ten 
second laugh there"? You cant do 
that, so it's up to them to shorten the 
laughs when they edit. It's the editing 
which is the clever part of this 
business, of course you want the 
talent in the first place, good writing, 
good production team and then a 
good editor, an editor's vary important 

especially for something like 'Red 

RDM: Would you go back and play 
Holly if the part was open again? 

NL: I'd probably do a one-off if they 
asked me to do an episode. Itwould be 
quite nice lo meet the others again, 
that would bring back memories. 

RDM: Perhaps they could do another 
parallel universe story and you could 
be Hilly! 

NL: (laughing) It's funny how people 
do repeat themselves. I was watching 
Ruby Wax — she's on BBC1 now — 
and she's copying some of the things 
she did on Channel 4 when I was with 
her. Because not many people saw 
those she can use the ideas again and 
no-one's going to know, she's got 
another audience. 

ROM: Did you go back and do that 
show again when you finished 'Red 
Dwarf', or are we getting confused 
with the repeats? 

NL: I never worked with Ruby again, 
she left and went to BBC2 and didn't 
use me anymore. I didn't mind that 
really, because all I did in that was play 
this gormless floor manager — I wrote 
my own material for that one — and 
that was like, you know, being stuck. 
Dame Edna Everage has that stupid 
woman who says nothing and I didn't 
want to be trapped doing one of those, 
although I spoke and did jokes. Really 
at the end of the day you want to know 
how far you can go as a comic and I 
knew I should be further up than that. 
Perhaps I'm wrong, perhaps after 
October you might say, "Yeah, he was 
bloody wrong," but I don't think I am. 

RDM: The only thing we can 
remember from that particular Ruby 
Wax series is your character. 

NL: That's great, I got a lot of good 
reaction from that because I was 
scoring good points in it; I suppose in 
Red Dwarf I scored big points as well. 
It's always nice to be in something 
small, knowing what you're doing and 
getting your laughs — that's what it's 
about, doing comedy, getting your 

RDM: Do you prefer writing your own 


NL: Not if it's some good stuff. When 
Rob and Doug came in with some 
good stuff or when Ian came in and we 
co-wrote the series, it was a pleasure 
that someone else had written it and I 
could go and do it, you know. 

RDM: You weren't tempted to add any 
lines of your own at all? 

NL: No, not if it's right. If it's right you 
do it and that's it. It's hard to write 
everything, I'd love to be Ben Elton or 
someone like that, but he can't act and 
I can act, so I can do something he 
can't do — he's probably not a very 
good driver, but I'm not very good 
either. But he is phenomenal, Ben 
Elton, he's unbelievable. Then again 
so was Benny Hill really, all the new 
people were saying Benny Hill's 
sexist, and he was. but some of his 
earlier work years ago was bloody 
funny and to be that consistent, to do 
that many shows! Now he's dead 
you'll see as the years go by, his name 
will keep popping up because he's a 
great artist that will be remembered. 
He was a very funny man — just a dirty 
old bastard as well. But so are a lot of 
alternative comedians deep down 
inside; there are a lot of sexist men 
about, they just hide it and pretend to 
be right on with their Guardians, but 
they're just as bad really. 

RDM: What sort of contemporary 
comedians do you like? 

NL: I think probably Rowan Atkinson, 
technically what he does is brilliant — 
he's a mime artist as well as doing his 
funny voices and characters. I think, 
although he's very good, there's still 
something missing from him, Ifeel the 

soul isn't there. Alexei Sayle's very 
good. Rik MayaH's very good, Adrian 
Edmonson — I think Adrian gets a lot 
of stick from people, but he's very 
talented. Harry Enfield's very funny, 
Arnold Brown, but Arnold's a friend of 
mine so I'm cheating there a bit. but 
he is funny. You don't know who he is 
do you? He's a Glaswegian comedian. 
I also like Steve Martin and Woody 
Allen American-wise. But I think when 
you're a comedian it's hard to laugh,, 
it's a shame because you only laugh 
at something that's really good, 
you're marking it like a teacher 

BOM: Do you still get fan mail for Red 

NL: Yeah, not many though, I just 
happen to have had two this morning. 
In fact, I've had a few lately, but I put it 
down to the second series coming out 
on video, people have seen me and 
remembered me. When I was in the first 
and second series I used to get a few 
letters, but not as many as Craig 
Charles, he used to have thousands — 
or so he said, but he always lied 

RDM: And do people approach you in 
the street? 

NL:Welia bloke came up to me before 
I met you and said "Norman Lovett, I 
remember you in Nether Wallop!" 
I was in a programme from Nether 
Wallop where I did my stand-up act, 
and he said "that was a great routine 
you did in that programme" and that 
was in 1985, seven years ago, so I said 
"I've done some stuff in between that", 
but he was very nice. So yeah, 
I get recognised, but I haven't been on 
telly now for quiteawhile really— apart 

from the Sugar Puffs voice over; people 
just know the voice because I 've been 
doing that for about three years now. 
Hopefully when the series comes out in 
October I'll have more impact because 
I haven't been seen for a while. You 
recognised me, didn't you? You spoke 

RDM: Yes we did, is there anything else 
you want to say about your new series, 
youknow, give it a plug? 

NL: It'scalled 'I Lovett', it'son BBC2. I'm 
playing myself, but I should say it's 
myself before I got married and settled 
down with a family, because — well I 
live with a talking dog! Whether that 'sin 
my character's imagination or not ... 
because you do talk to yourself when 
you live on your own, you do it less when 
you have a family because there's 
always someone to talk to. 

I've had to use the name because 
Norman Lovett is afunny name. I think 
my wife was a bit upset that I couldn't 
use another name because she was 
worried about Lilly and whether it 
would effect herwhenshe went backto 
school, she was thinking about going 
backto using herown name, Morrison 

— there are some funny people about 
who actually think you live with atalking 
dog. Hancock was Tony Hancock in his 
thing, wasn't he? They insist your 
name's in the title because you're a 
product and you're selling yourself. 

RDM: The episodes you're doing, are 
they straightforward storylines like 
'Only Fools and Horses' or is there 
more bouncing around as in 'The 
Young Ones'? 

NL: No. I'dsay pretty strong storylines, 
we're not doing a cabaret every ten 
minutesorastand-upact, none of that. 
We have tried different things but it has 
strong stories in every episode. 
I think people like that — 'The Young 
Ones' was very funny, but when I 
watched it back recently I thought it had 
really dated and had lost something 
because it didn't have strong stories. 
'Python' dated as well whereas 
something like the 'Goon Show' didn't 
and I think 'Fawlty Towers' will always 
stand up. I don't know about 'Red 
Dwarf' because it's too new, the fans 
are loyal though, they'll take it to the 
grave with them. What are Rob and 
Doug up to now? 

RDM: They 're doing a science fiction 
anthology for Carlton. 

NL: That's Paul Jackson again. 
I thought they needed something to 
move on to. They've done two books 
haven't they? Because they were up 
here at a signing and I went to see them 
with my wife and daughter, we went and 
surprised them. And last year I went 
down to London and stayed at Rob's for 
the night, so there's no bad feeling or 
anything. There was for a time when I 
left; they were ringing me up all the time 
saying, "What are you doing? Why 
aren't you going to be i n it?" The phone 
was going all the time, it was 
unbelievable. It was good though, it 
made you feel wanted. 

I guess it wasiustoneof those things. 
You can't say it was all money, if I d been 
that desperate for money I'd have 
stayed on another three series and I'd 
still have done quite well. So money 
doesn't rule me, it does rule a lot of 
people in this business, but it doesn't 
with me, not at all. How much are you 
giving me for this interview? .% 



The first... 

and greatest of them all! 

Action every two months from 

foi ficns 

- The home of heroes! 


NAME: Arnold Judas Rimmer. 


Bonehead, goaf post-head, Trans-am 
wheel-arch nostrils, smeg-tor-bfains. 
etc. Would very much like to be known 
as Ace, Duke or Captain A J Rimmer. 
Space Adventurer. 

SPECIES: Formerly human, now 
returned from death as a hotop/amatic 
representation of his former serf. 

OCCUPATION: Pain in the arse. 
Formerly a Second Technician in 
charge of 'Red Dwarf's' Z Shift. His 
most Important task was making sure 
the dispensers didn't run out of fun- 
size Crunchie bars, and his most 
frequent one was undogglng their 
chicken soup nozzles 

ORIGINS: The youngest of tour 
brothers, and a constant 
disappointment to his demanding 
parents. While John. Frank and 
Howard were earning top-notch fobs 
through the Space Corps Academy. 
Arnold was having to earn his meals 
by answering astro-navigation 
questions set by his father. He nearly 

diedl Eventually divorcing his parents 
at age fourteen, he blamed much of 
his subsequent lack of achievement. 
upon their influence, 

EDUCATION At the hated to House, 
where he seems to have ieemt nothing 
whatsoever. Arnold later look • Mm 
course at night school and a 
maintenance course at Saturn lech, 

but c 


was never able to enter the Space 
Corps Academy 

SKILLS Ermrnmmm... 

HOBBIES Leading the Skutters in 
recitals of Hammond Organ 'flatlet'; 
taking sight-seeing holidays on the 
diesel decks; morris dancing (though 
not as much aa he'd like, aa no 
bugger'H Join hrml); war gaming, 
particularty 'Risk' (his every dice roi in 
when he can remember rnseoiousry). 
the study of twentieth century 
telegraph poles. What a guy! 

Hammond Organ music of Reggie 
Wilson, whose atbuma include 'Reggie 
Wilson Plays the Lift Music Classes' 

ana 'Funking Up Wagner". Also a tan 
of pertormers as diverse as Moreover*, 
and Jamas LsaL as est aa one ReggM 
Dixon, about whom sue is known 

beyond the utle of one of r>« albums. 

ROLE MODEL8: Napoleon. 
Napoleon and Napoleon Oh. and 



— Porky Roebuck, hie one true friend 
at to House — unta he lad a gang of 
Space Scouts In a cannibalistic 
attempt upon Arnold's kte 

— Fred Thick/ Hrjtosn, wflh whom he 
shared a school rjormaory Holden 
later want on id ■nvent the Tension 
Sheet, thus becoming a muiii- 

— Sandra, the gal from Cadet School 

to whom Arnold aamed to have tost 
hie vugiraty 

- A gal cased terrene who. teas man 
impressed by has attempt a hypnceJii. 
moved » PtulD to avoid dating hen. 

— Rone Barrtngion, with whom he 
thought he'd got somewhere, until It 
transpired that he'd merely had hia 
hand in warm compost. 

— Carol McCauiey, rha nwarjwr* of ha 
secret tove notes 

— Yvonne McQruder, 'Red Dwarfs' 
female boning champion, with whom 
he had tm one and only sexual 
encoums* In las. Concussed M the 
time, ana mistook rem for somebody 
called Norman. 

— Donald, a hypnotherapist who was 
able to regress hen to a past We. 
revesting that he had once been. 
Alexander me Great's chief eunuch) 

— Nlrvanah Crane, a Flight 
Commander on the Holoship 
Enughlenmant; who became the first 
person to truly fa* «i tove wMh Arnold 

— iromceHy, wet after hia own death. 

of the Kammond Organ Owners 
Soctaty. also a member of the Love 
Celibacy Scoety me to Amateur War- 
Gamers and the Recrsstors of the 
Baftto of Neesdsn Society. Naturally 
Arnold apart some time both to the 
Space Scouts and m Cadet School — 
more surprisingly, he also toined the 
Samaritans, though for only one 
morning AH five of the people he 
•poke to commttted suicide, despss 
the tact that one of them wee s wrong 

AMBfTrONS: To meat up with an 
•-en face, get a new oody go back m 
lima, pass rvs exams and become an 
officer In the Space Corps. Yes, 
Indssdy. * 

Dear Hoi, 

it's no good, despite Kryten's 
excellent tips on tying, I just cannot 
get the phrase "Neighbours is an 
excellent television programme" to 
sound convincing. But I cant be the 
only one. Nobody is that good, 

Also, in the 'Plus!' section of the 
previews of the May Issue of RDM, 
you stated "Plus - two rather nice 
staples down the spine of the 
magazine." But when my June issue 
arrived it only had one staple!! 
Now, I'm not one to be picky, but one 
of the reasons I buy ROM Is for the 
superior quality of the staples used! 
Just what the other reasons are I 
haven't quite discovered. 
Sue Graham, Grand borough. 

Dear Holly, 

Having an 10 of 6000, you should be 

able to tell me whether a rather 

astonishing realisation is true or 

false. Reading my TV Guide, I 

noticed that a film was on named 

"The Admirable Crichton" which I 

realised was a saying from Red 

Dwarf II. After a lot of detective 

work, one large dictionary that I had 

had an entry of: 

CRICHTON, JAMES (1560-1585) - 

Scottish prodigy of intellectual 

accomplishments said to have 

disputed on scientific questions in 

twelve languages. 


given to the above; hence any 

versatile person. 

Is this the person Kryten is named 


Mike Brkjgs, Unstone. 

Dear Editor, 

Congratulations on Red Dwarf 
Magazine. The 'blueprint' you 
mentioned In issue 5 seems to be 
developing eaoh month, giving a 
distinctive and entertaining feel to 
the mag. I was pleased to read some 
original RD comic strips as well as 
the TV adaptations, and I 
particularly appreciated another visit 
to the parallel universe in issue 5. 
It's obvious that the RDM team are 
die-hard tans, just by looking at the 
depth of the articles and strips. 
I was non-plussed with your debut 
cover, but issue 5's was 
undoubtedly the best yetl Whereas 
some TV-related magazines are 
content with merely using photo 
shots, here are detailed and 
excellent paintings, which I think 
reflect a sense of maturity and 
sophistication (a bit like series V of 
the TV show). Keep up the good 
work on that front. 
James Roberts, Guernsey. 

/ know this letter seems a tittle bit 
out of date, now that we have 
reached issue 9. but James has 
such wonderful things to say about 
our magazine that I just had to print 
his letter. Cheers, James, the 
cheque's in the post! Seriously 
though, I'm pleased to hear that you 
liked the way the magazine ■ sorry, 
Smegazine ■ is developing and I 
hope that you still do.l will be vary 
interested to find out what readers 
tNnk of this issue's cover, which is 
something of a departure in style 
from our previous painted or photo 
covers. As I've said before, I am 
going for variety, but I'd like to know 
what the great Red Dwarf public 
thinks on this matter. 

Dear Red Dwarf Smegazine, 
I wish to protest! Who, I ask, who at 
your magazine was wally enough to 
print the heinous rubbish that was 
the cartoon strip "Ace Rimmer, 
Space Adventurer"?)? The storyline 
was about as original as a joke about 
a chicken crossing the road. A bit 
from series II here, a snippet from 
series IV there. The exchange 
between Ace & Deb was similar -to 
soppy teenage romance stories in 
Jackie annuals, and Ace himself 
resembled a demented Mike RekJI 
And lastly, the point made that the 
female Rimmer was the most sad 
and worthless ever really made me 
chuck. Blatant sexism, I tell you. 
blaiant!!! Please do not put any 
other left-overs from the five-course 
meal of Red Dwarf in your otherwise 
wholly untainted magazine. 
Kristine Kochanski. Brlghouse. 

Well, this letter refers to issue 5 too, 
and hopefully proves that we don't 
just print complimentary letters. I'm 
sorry that you didnt like the first Ace 
Rimmer story that we ran, Kristine 
(surely not that Kristine?), but I'm 
keeping my fingers crossed that you 
preferred the 'Ace of the Rovers" 
story we ran last issue. I'm not quite 
certain we were being sexist in issue 
5's story, though, as Arlene Rimmer 
is more or less an exact equivalent 
of good old Arnold J. We didnt 
intend to imply that she was even 
more of a sad individual than him! 
However, your views have been 
noted and your comments are 
always most welcome, good or bad. 


Red Dwarf Smegazine 

Fleetway Editions Limited 

25-31 Tavistock Place 

London WClH 9SU 


-*- ^ m ,r strip* 

o«»^" 3 f,. w m c :r. 


muss 10 V° u ' 

, a voonles w a » 
Head (or wgh'f ■ 
up lot sale 





The experiences of Rob Grant and Doug Nay tor in the U.S.A. 

as related to Jane Killick 

Early in 1992, hopes were high 
that RED DWARF would follow 
in the footsteps of many other 
British sit-coms by getting its 
own American version. The 
Americans had had their eyes 
on the show for some time. But 
the Creators and Writers of the 
series, Rob Grant and Doug 
Naylor, weren't prepared to let 
just anyone get their grubby lit- 
tle paws on the series. 

"We'd had offers for years 
from America," Rob Grant ex- 
plains, "and they usually were 
of the ilk where they say, 'hey, 
we really love the idea, does it 
have to be set on a space ship?' 
And usually they'd come over 
and take us out for extravagant 
lunches and say, 'we really think 
the American audiences won't 
relate to a dead guy and the 
Cat's too weird' and that stuff." 

After years of sending TV 
Moguls back on the Boeing, 
Universal (along with NBC) 
came up with an attractive deal 
that seemed to be in the spirit 
of the original series. 

Rob Grant and Doug 
Naylor were invited over to the 
States as Creative Consultants 
on the show. "We expected to 
go over there this January and 
see it being made and just 
basically say, 'we think Lister's 
hair should be parted on the 
left', you know," says Rob. "In 
fact we got off the plane in 
Hollywood and we started work- 
ing the instant we hit the hotel... 
We were doing re-writes all 
week and he (the Producer) 
was working us like a dog and 
we had jet-lag and it was 


Rob and Doug had a lot of 
input at script level, but op- 
timism began to fade when it 
came to recording the show. 
"RED DWARF is a very difficult 
TV show to make in terms of the 
effects and you do need ex- 
perience in shooting science 
fiction," explains Rob. "You 
can't use wide shots, for in- 
stance. If you look at ALIEN 
there is not a single shot of peo- 
ple's feet because the instant 
you see it's a set you've blown 
it. And so the rule is: shoot it as 
tight as you can and cut as 
quick as you can, and all this 

"The Director's experience 
came from NIGHT COURT and 
he was kind of shooting NIGHT 
COURT in space and we were 
saying, 'no, light it NICE, there's 
no need to turn all the lights on, 
turn some of them OFF'." 

One of the tricks used a lot 
in RED DWARF is the split 
screen where two parallel parts 
of a scene are shot at different 
times using the same camera 
then merged together so it looks 
like there are, for example, two 
Rimmers on RED DWARF at 
the same time. Rob remembers 
the American Assistant Director 
didn't really understand the con- 
cept: "We were going around 
saying things like — trying to be 
polite, but also trying to make 
sure they do it right — 'you do 
realise you have to lock the 
camera off with the split and 
sort of put armed guards round 
It so people don't knock the 
camera?' And she said, 'oh no, 



;a red dwarf 

we were going to use two 
cameras to do the split screen' 
and I was thinking, 'oh my God 
they've got a whole new 
technology over here that I 
know nothing about, what a 
wonderful idea!' " But it turned 
out they intended separating 
the two halves of the screen 
with some sort of blue line! 
"They simply had no ex- 
perience of shooting special ef- 
fects or anything like that. (On) 
the day of recording it was just 
a complete nightmare. 

"They'd gone along with 
the dictum of wanting to play- 
down the science fiction... They 
knew nothing about science fic- 
tion and didn't think it mattered. 
In the pilot script when Lister 
picks up Rimmer's light-bee 
and throws it in the air, the light 
bee's described as a 'gizmo' 
and that's when the chills 
started going up my spine and 
I thought this has no chance." 

Rob and Doug were also 
unhappy about the casting and 
would have re-cast if they had 
had the power to do so. Craig 
Bierko's Lister obviously didn't 
fit the part as it was originally 
written, and Rob remembers 

trying to explain this to the Pro- 
ducer. "We said, 'look, Craig 
Bierko is too good-looking to 
play the part of this guy who 
can't get a date with this girl 
(Kochanski)'. And everybody, all 
the crew were saying it. And all 
the women on the crew were 
gog-like about Craig Bierko... 
And the Network executives 
took us into this little room at the 
end of the show and said 'Craig 
Bierko doesn't work, he's too 
good-looking'... We had the 
weekend to rewrite the show 
and make it so he wasn't just a 
loser and it's kind of hard to 
completely re-create the 
character over the weekend and 
I think a lot of the rest of the 
show suffered because of it. In 
fact the whole opening scenes, 
up until the first sleeping 
quarters scene were never 
rehearsed, they just went on in 
front of the camera and did the 
best they could. So that ex- 
plains part of why it's a bit flat 
at the beginning." 

Doug recollects that the 
American team didn't seem to 
have anything new to bring to 
the show other than American 
actors, "It's really like they didn't 

have an original thought. And 
we began to get seriously wor- 
ried about whether the show 
could sustain at all. It was born 
out really because when we got 
the next four scripts they'd just 
crossed out Rob Grant and 
Doug Naylor and put like Lin- 
wood Boomer on them." 

"We couldn't believe it 
when we first went out there that 
they had actually copied the en- 
tire set," adds Rob. "They had 
the same ashtrays! God knows 
how they got them. They bought 
these special space-age 
ashtrays in! I tell you, going 
round with jet-lag and worked 
out of your n"s and listening to 
the same dialogue from 
American voices on the same 
set was a very unreal 

"Also Rimmer was played 
by a guy called Chris Eigeman, 
Lister was played by a guy call- 
ed Craig Bierko," adds Doug. 
"So you got "Craig" and 
"Chris" going, then you see 
Robert (Llewellyn) there and 
you think, 'oh we're back in 
England'. And then you go. 'I 
can't cope with this, I'm gonna 
have a cup of coffee'. And I went 
to have a cup of coffee and the 
Mars bars were called Milky 
Ways and the Milky Ways were 
called Mars bars. And you just 
think, 'oh, it's just a parallel 

After the disappointing 
pilot was completed, Rob Grant 
and Doug Naylor were called in 
to make a short promo film 
which would hopefully lead to a 
series being commissioned. 
"NBC really wanted a female 
Cat and they really wanted to 
recast Rimmer," explains Doug. 
"We didn't want a female Cat... 
We felt we couldn't just change 
Danny's part and give it to a 
woman and it would be the 




same... I'm not sure there'd be 
any comedy there going 'hey, 
aren't I fabulous looking?' — 
because she is!" 

The clash of the American 
and British cultures were very 
much evident while they were 
recasting. "When we were try- 
ing to recast Rimmer," says 
Rob, "the number of actors who 
came in and did such phony 
British accents ta try and — I 
don't know — it's so curious. A 
lot of them treat you like you're 
from Maldavia, you know The 
Two Writers from Maldavia'." 

Doug remembers one ac- 
tor whom, at first, they thought 
had a speech Impediment. "He 
sat there and started to say, 'hi, 
how are you? How's it going? 
How long have you been in 
town?' — all this. His accent 
was just so extraordinary, like a 
cross between Dick Van Dyke 
doing his cockney accent and 
I thought, 'oh the poor guy, 
there's something wrong with 
him' and the American casting 
woman was going, 'oh wow, oh 
neat, oh wow, that's just so ter- 
rific! ' and it turns out he was do- 
ing what he thought was a very, 
very good British accent. And 
suddenly he started speaking in 
an American accent, and it was 
like, 'oh you're NOT an idiot!' " 

Despite the many faults in 
the American pilot, Doug 
believes it could have worked if 
the series had been made. "All 
we needed was six shows and 
it would have made it... Craig 
Bierko would have been a star. 
Robert would have been a 
mega-star. We could have 
always changed Rimmer. Terri 
Farrell (the female Cat), 
although it doesn't really come 
across in the promo, is a very 
very funny comedienne, really 
really funny. I wasn't crazy about 
Holly, but not offensive, certainly 
anybody over there who speaks 
with an English accent they just 
fall around at." 

Although NBC chickened 
out of making the series, CBS 
expressed an interest and sug- 
gested a series of six American 
episodes to Rob and Doug. 
"We got a two-page fax from 
these two writers in Los 
Angeles," explains Rob. "They 
weren't going to make it three 
million years in the future, they 
were going to make it like a cou- 
ple of hundred years so that 
people weren't too worried and 
so that Earth was still there and 
they were going to have contact 
with Earth and the basic mis- 
sion was for Lister to get 'babes' 
was how they described it. They 
weren't going to have a Cat at 
all, they were going to have a 
character called Veronica. Her 
plus point was that she was — 
what do they call it? — ISSUE 
ORIENTATED — so that she 
would bring issues to it. And 
they asked for a reply and we 
said '**!** off and die', basically." 

Despite the enthusiasm 
over RED DWARF in the States, 
the project has been shelved. 
Although, according to Rob, the 
Americans are still very keen on £ 
the idea. "I wouldn't be shock- 
ed if Universal come up with 
DUDES IN SPACE," he com- 
mented dismissively. *